Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to CBS Paramount; oliphaunts, Eru and Lord of the Rings belong to the estate of JRR Tolkien; lightsabers and Star Wars belong to George Lucas; Left 4 Dead belongs to Valve Corporation; neuralysers and the Men in Black belong to Columbia Pictures; the concept of minis belongs to Miss Cam and the PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia.
The fic being sporked, 'Star Trek Voyager: Love and War', belongs to Jack Russel, and can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7726723/1/Star_Trek_Voyager_Love_and_War
For those brave/insane enough to read it, here is some Bleepolate to take away the shock.
Thank you to Firemagic and my readers on the Board for beta-ing this.
Chapter 6: Mission to 'Star Trek Voyager: Love and War' (wherein a hormonal Gary Stu's plot-warping powers are turned against him).
Agent Zero's note: for possible further research, this mission report has been forwarded to Phi Six, Department of Mary Sue Experiments and Research. Sigma One, Department of Sufficiently Advanced Technology, also has a copy for reference.
Thud! Thump! Clang!
Eagrus pricked up his ears, wondering what was going on outside his bedroom door.
Thud! Thump! Bang!
It could have been an oliphaunt, perhaps - except one would not fit in the RC. Maybe it was a small one. Maybe there was an invasion.
He opened his door a crack and peered through to see... Cyba... dancing. After all the Star Trek he had watched on Dr Fitzgerald's advice, he knew that the Borg did not dance. As such, seeing his agent partner dancing was quite ridiculous - even knowing that she still had the mind of a (somewhat insane) World One female. The fact that she was unused to her new body - and thus rather ungainly - only made it worse. Then there was the fact that said new body was heavy, clunky and metal - and totally not built for dancing. It certainly explained the noise.
He was just about to retire, snickering, when she started singing. Moreover, she started singing, if possible, even more terribly than the last time she had tried it, the effect being no doubt exacerbated by the fact that she was singing with the Borg's Collective voice. It sounded... absolutely awful.
He opened his door and marched out. She immediately stopped and looked sheepish.
"Sorry!" she apologised guiltily, raising her hands in surrender. She was still doing the voice.
"Er, Cyba... why are you talking in that voice?" he questioned her.
"Um... I tried to get some sleep... it didn't work... I tried working out some of my other implants... and I worked out how to do the voice! But... I ... er... I can't turn it off again."
"Alright, first request: please don't sing in that voice."
"Can I sing once I work out how to turn it off?"
"Ohhhhhhhhhh..." Faux-whiney and that voice did not mix well, either.
"How did you manage to turn that voice on, anyway?"
"Ummmm... by accident."
"Oh dear. So... why were you dancing?"
"I found some good music, of course!" She tapped her headphones meaningfully.
"Any luck learning your own strength, yet?"
Cyba pushed his bedroom door open gingerly, and it swung into the wall with an almighty crash.
"No," she answered.
"Well, you didn't break the hinges this time," Eagrus pointed out.
There came a short silence, broken a moment later by the sound of Eagrus' door falling off its hinges.
"I take it back..." Eagrus corrected himself.
"Don't you come near me!" cried the talking gate, which now separated the main floor-space of the RC from the corner containing the trapdoor.
"Oh, what's the point of enhanced strength if all it means is you break everything you go near?"
Eagrus sauntered over to take a look at the new mission... and gulped. Noticing Cyba closing in behind him, he turned to face her and spread his arms to keep her from seeing the screen.
"Nothing to see here! Nothing at all!"
"Eagrus, what's the mission?"
"The one you're hiding from me. On the screen."
"No mission. Really!"
"Eagrus, you're only making me want to know even more."
"Really, you don't want to know."
"So there is a mission!"
"Oh, fine - but we're going to regret this." He moved aside and took cover.
"HE DOES WHAT?! THERE IS NO WAY HE IS GETTING AWAY WITH THAT!" Her voice had changed back, but she did not appear to have noticed in light of the horror she had just witnessed on the console's screen.
Ignoring the disguise generator completely, she snatched up the remote activator, opened a portal and marched through.
"Uh oh..." gulped Eagrus, just as someone banged on the trapdoor.
"Hello? Hello! This is FicPsych! Open up in there!" called a voice.
"FicPsych at the door," announced the talking gate, as if that were not obvious.
"Thank you," said Eagrus, flustered, as he quickly opened both the gate and trapdoor. Below stood one of the FicPsych psychologists, together with the broom-handle he had been using to bang on the trapdoor.
"Agent Khan is it? We're here to see your partner, Agent Cyba Zero. She's been referred to us by Medical regarding her recent assimilation, but she missed her appointment."
"She hasn't been assimilated; it was a disguise generator accident," corrected Eagrus. "And she had an appointment?" His eyes narrowed. "She kept that one quiet."
"Is she in?"
"No, she just dashed through a portal to the badfic we just received as a mission. Without any equipment. In the Trekverse. And the Borg proper are in this fic! Her condition might only be the result of a disguise generator accident, but if I don't hurry up and follow her, she really will be assimilated."
"Ah, you'd better go then. But we would be grateful if you were to get her to come when you get back."
"I'll give it a try," replied Eagrus. "Just be warned: she doesn't like psychologists." With that, he secured the trapdoor, shut the talking gate, set his disguise, grabbed a bag of equipment and hurried after Cyba.
"Be careful who you're slamming!" the gate's voice followed him.
He came out in a default-sci-fi, shiny, silver corridor, which was clearly under-described. After a glance at the Words, he changed his decision to simply un-described, before wondering where Cyba had gone. His unspoken question was soon answered, however, by the sound of snickering from further down the corridor, broken only by the words 'Jack Russel'.
"What do you think you're doing, dashing in completely unprepared like that?" he scolded her when he caught up.
She was too busy giggling to answer.
"What?" he questioned.
Cyba pointed through the shiny, silver, automatic door to the room beyond - a shiny, silver, default-sci-fi starship bridge.
Eagrus followed the direction she indicated and saw a - creature - sitting in the default-sci-fi captain's chair, flying the ship while drinking some kind of apparently alcoholic beverage, which for some reason issued the irritating noise of a mosquito.
"What is that? And what is it drinking?"
The creature was more or less man-shaped, except it had curly fur covering much of its body that wasn't hidden under the black coat it was wearing, a dog's pointed ears atop its head, and a human face. Somehow, it still managed to look handsome.
Eagrus pointed his CAD at it.
Jack Russel. Dog-man? Male. Non-canon. Gary Stu! Kill it with fire!!!
As if to make a point, the CAD promptly exploded.
"He's drinking a glass of 'whine'," Cyba managed to force out between giggles.
"But why is he part dog?"
"Jack Russell Terriers are a type of small dog in World One," spluttered Cyba, still having a giggle-fit. "They are known for their tenacity. This Captain Jack Russel isn't described, so the Word World must have defaulted to a dog-man."
Eagrus took another look at the Words. "I take it you have noticed the spelling," he said cautiously.
"You mean the mess that has been made of it? Yes," replied Cyba. "Nice armour, by the way, Eagrus."
Eagrus paused, then remembered he was disguised as a Klingon - complete with full battle-armour and a Bat'Leth. "Yes," he agreed. "At least I didn't go charging in without a disguise."
"My appearance is native to this continuum," said Cyba with a grin. Then she fixed him with her very best Disconcerting Borg Stare, which failed miserably when she started chuckling a moment later.
"I'm afraid that needs practice," Eagrus informed her, with a false seriousness that set her off giggling again. "Cyba," he continued, "this ship doesn't look very Star Trek."
"That's because it isn't," she told him. "It's a ridiculous non-canon vessel that, regardless of what the fic says about its speed, is actually only that fast because it can fly through plot-holes."
"And you know that, how?"
"How else could it get between the different continua its captain claims to have gone to?"
"I think that still gets a charge," said Eagrus.
"Too right it does. And the Flowers won't be happy about somebody using their tech. Do, please, give me that charge list."
"Tech. Pff. Who wants a spaceship anyway? It's for travelling through space, for goodness' sake!"
"Good news: this entire fic's set in space."
Cyba started snickering again.
Suddenly, a woman appeared beside the dog-man and put her hand through a plot-hole that had opened up beside him. Apparently the Word World did not know what a 'solger' was any more than the agents did.
"Who exactly is this ship crewed by, besides Mr Stu, here?" queried Eagrus.
"Mr Stu's girlfriends, as far as I can tell. This one's called Sertana and is apparently hot and 'a sitting'."
"Well, I'm hot too; this ship is baking. But a sitting what, exactly?"
"Sitting duck?" suggested Cyba evilly.
"Well, there is that," agreed Eagrus.
"Then there's the matter of the captain's coat..."
"No description, so he's in some kind of black, generic captain gear," Eagrus shrugged.
"Not that. I want dibs on it. HQ's freaking cold."
"Fine by me."
Meanwhile, Captain Jack Russel laid back in his chair, lit a cigar, and uttered the word: "Grovey."
"Grovey?" asked Eagrus.
"I think that's what 'groovy' sounds like when you're half-dog."
Suddenly, the ship shuddered, and a massive jolt landed the agents on their backsides.
"What was that?" pressed Eagrus urgently.
"Wormhole," stated Cyba matter-of-factly. "One just 'apeared' in front of the ship."
"Somebody's going to wonder why a load of fruit is floating through space," observed Eagrus.
"GREAT MEN where are we now," said Jack Russel.
"Men?" Cyba raised her non-existent eye-brows.
"Question mark anyone?" wondered Eagrus aloud, catching the lonely piece of punctuation as it appeared next to him.
"I'll have it," said Cyba. Eagrus handed it over, and she promptly lobbed it at the back of the Stu's head. Fortunately she missed, and it skittered across the floor, but it caught the captain's attention anyway.
"What's that," he said, immediately spawning another.
"It's a question mark, you moron," muttered Cyba.
"Cyba," spoke Eagrus seriously, "you know punctuation is alien to Suvian entities - at least those we get sent to deal with."
"Having punctuation thrown at him is the least of his worries," Cyba responded grimly.
"Just which charge exactly has your hackles up so, Cyba?"
"Oh, you'll see."
A spatial lurch hit them, and they abruptly found themselves standing on the bridge of the USS Voyager.
"Argh, I don't feel so good," groaned Cyba.
"Is that body capable of being sick?" pondered Eagrus aloud.
"Well, if that happens much more, we'll soon find out."
The duo looked around, seeing themselves surrounded by the main crew of Voyager, just like the episodes.
"Wow," breathed Cyba, staring about in awe. Then a sort of trance came over her as she saw: "Ooooh... red... pretty..." She began wandering vaguely towards the captain for a closer look.
"Er, Cyba? What are you doing?"
"Such a beautiful colour..."
"Cyba! Snap out of it!" he called in hushed tones. When she paid him no attention, he grabbed her cable-hair and it pulled taut as she tried to take another step forwards.
"Ow! Eagrus! What'd you do that for!"
"Ssshhhh! Now... just... edge... this... way..." said Eagrus under his breath, so only Cyba could possibly hear him. He placed his hands on her metal shoulders and carefully steered her backwards into a corner. "Won't... do... for them... to trip over you... and notice... what you are... in the middle of their bridge."
At that moment, something very small, furry and round landed on his head. Eagrus caught it and held it out in front of him with the utmost suspicion.
"Is this... a mini?" he checked with Cyba, as a second appeared.
Cyba checked the Words, and the parts of her face that could move contorted into a scowl.
"Voyger? Turok!" She whipped out the pad of paper acting as the charge list and pointedly wrote:
Misspelling the name of the main ship and characters, and spawning mini-Tribbles - and you EVEN managed to spell Voyager correctly elsewhere!
"This Jack Russel's a legendary hero?" gaped Eagrus incredulously.
"I think you'll find that is 'legendry'," corrected Cyba.
"Heil him" Janeway said to 7 of 9 and 7 of 9 heiled Captain Jack Russel's ship.
Captain Jack Russel apeared on the screen and said "Russel Captain Jack Russel here." "OMG Captain Jack Russel!1" both Kes and Seska said and fainted.
"May I come abored" Captain Jack Russel said. "We whould be honored to have you abored Captain Jack Russel" Captain Janeway said to Captain Jack Russel.
Captain Jack Russel than entared the ship and everbody cheered. Than Janeway gave Captain Jack Russel a tour of the ship as he is one of her favrate heros.
Also the L4D surviers came to the ship as well cause Capt Jack Russel was going to drop them of at DS9 before the wormhole came.
So the Left for Dead guys were waling round voyger.
A shiny, silver, generic-sci-fi ship appeared on the view-screen. Funnily enough, the usually empty void of space had developed a storm of mixed punctuation - although the majority were definitely commas.
Punctuation storms... grrrr, wrote Cyba.
Meanwhile, two mini-Tanks appeared: Left for Dead and Loius.
"'Heil' him?" mouthed a bemused Eagrus. "And why has Seven of Nine got an accent?"
"Because 'heil' is German for hail," stated Cyba. "Poor Seven."
Kes and Seska fainted as the dog-man appeared on screen.
"Since when was 'OMG' Trekverse language?" asked Eagrus.
"Since when would Kes and Seska faint over a dog-man?!" pointed out Cyba furiously.
"Oh look, he wants to come 'abored'," snickered Eagrus.
"I'm bored of his bad spelling," muttered Cyba.
The view-screen abruptly cut out, and the agents exchanged glances.
"He just 'entared' the ship," spluttered Cyba. "No wonder the screen went dead. I guess the sensors are clogged."
"It's what he gets for smoking," shrugged Eagrus. "I don't understand why they're cheering, though - he did just coat their ship in tar!"
"Who in the Trekverse are they?" questioned Cyba, as a group of men carrying surveying equipment also appeared alongside the 'Stu.
"I don't think they are from the Trekverse," stated Eagrus. "'L4D surviers'? This sounds like a case of interdimensional snatching, to me."
"No wonder they're wailing!"
Cyba made sure to shake the Sar-Plasm off over its progenitor, as the duo followed the 'Stu while Captain Janeway gave him a tour of the ship.
It was at this point that Jack Russel started trying to persuade Seven of Nine - despite the fact that they had barely met - to sleep with him. Even over the retching noises Cyba was making, Eagrus noticed that this 'Stu had no sense of subtlety whatsoever. He also noticed that, unlike most cases, the target of the 'Stu's 'affections' (although afflictions might have been a better word) was putting up resistance.
Cyba even paused her retching long enough to say: "Go Seven! You tell him!"
They followed him back to his room, only to discover it was full of medieval armour. Cyba immediately opened a portal and shoved a nice set of full plate through to the RC, before hiding behind the stand next to where it had been.
Jack Russel did not even notice, either because the armour was only there thanks to his having a 'knight's' sleep, or because his limited thought capacity was completely occupied by his hormones.
"Uh oh, squick coming up," warning Cyba as 'Torries' arrived, spawning another mini-Tribble. The two agents quickly slipped through a portal to the next scene, making mental notes that there would be a lot of memories to wipe when this was done. Another mini, Kilngon, followed them through.
"I see this Jack Russel is falling back on the old Gary Stu's pastime of getting into bed with every woman he can. Is this what got you riled, Cyba?"
"Only part of it. Shockingly enough, his hormones are not his biggest crime," hissed Cyba.
"Oh dear..." gulped Eagrus. "So, when do we get him?"
"Not for a while yet. This is only the first chapter of three."
"Our longest yet."
"Cyba, you're not planning to get him on the..."
"... Borg cube? Where else?"
Eagrus thought that the Borg were bad enough when they did their expressionless stares - but the evil grin currently on Cyba's face was downright terrifying.
"Oh, he's got it coming. I just have to think of a suitable fate for him," mused Cyba... evilly.
"I thought you were neutral about Suvians," observed Eagrus.
"Some things," explained Cyba, "cannot go unpunished. For those Suvians responsible, I can make exceptions."
"Cyba, you are not going to get him assimilated."
"Me?" protested Cyba innocently. "Nah, I already ditched that idea; it wouldn't be fair to the Borg."
"That's... one way of putting it."
Suddenly, one of the surveyors ran into the scene and began shouting about Kasons kidnapping several crewmen, some of whom were presumably other surveyors, but also 'Paries'.
"That's Paris, you dimwit," muttered Cyba.
"But this is Paries!" chuckled Eagrus, holding up another mini. Another, Arry Kim, joined the first a moment later.
The agents portalled after Jack Russel, who had apparently acquired a small armoury of weapons while beaming aboard the Kazon ship.
"How can he carry all those at once?" wondered Cyba aloud.
"Because he's a Gary Stu," was Eagrus' inevitable reply.
Carrying an entire armoury's worth of weapons without being weighed down or otherwise encumbered in the slightest, scrawled Cyba.
"Yer! Yer! Yer!" said a voice.
"Eagrus?" quizzed a bemused Cyba.
"Not me," shrugged an equally bemused Eagrus.
It took them several moments to trace the source of the rocker-esque 'yer'-ing to the 'Stu's lasers. A moment after that, they doubled up in hysterics.
"That's a good one!"
"Wait for it... he's using a 'rocket luncher'!"
"How is he fighting them with that? It sounds more like a defensive device than a weapon!"
"Yes, it eats rockets for lunch!"
Captain Jack Russel then saw a kason army gurding a door so he gut out hislight saber and killer them with it. Capt Jack Russel than kicked down the door and saw the pepole he had to rescue he than took them to his ship and set of the self destract system on the Kason ship.
"Hold on a moment, is that a lightsaber?"
"'Hislight saber' apparently, and that's a mini-Rancor," noticed Cyba, pointing to a little sandy-brown, bipedal monster with large claws.
However, Jack Russel had just produced a metal handle, extended from it a blade of silvery light (with no given colour, it had defaulted to sci-fi silver), and was now using it to fight the entire army of Kazon guarding a single door.
"That must be one very important door," observed Eagrus.
"Does he have any canonical weapons in his portable armoury?"
"Charge!" laughed Eagrus heartily. "And dibs on that lightsaber!"
"Another charge for defeating an entire army single-handedly. Have you noticed they're not even hitting him?"
"Why is he rescuing a pole covered in pea plants?"
"Why," added Cyba, "does the Kazon ship have a self distract system?"
"Well it isn't working very well," snickered Eagrus, as the 'Head Kason leader' set about covering the corridor in tar, and taking on Jack Russel. With all the mini-Tribbles already there, he had not noticed the appearance of Kason and Kasons.
Captain Jack Russel was just about to leave when the head Kason entared to corridoor and said "Time to dye Captain Jack Russel". They then forted epic battle to the deaf. But just then the head kason leader set off explosives and blew Captain Jack Russel into space.
"HA HA HA I won" The Head Kason leader said with evil. "NOOOO" Yelled Zoey. The Head Kason was luthing when Captain Jack Russel came into surfing on a metorite.
"Time to dye Captain Jack Russel," said the Kason.
"Yeah, with red dye!" voted Cyba.
"Where are these forts for the epic battle, then?" pondered Eagrus. "And who's gone deaf?"
"Ah, so that's why they're deaf," mouthed Eagrus, as the agents' ears recovered from the explosion.
"Eagrus," Cyba mouthed back. "You're not going to believe this... but he's surfing on a meteorite."
"Without a space suit."
"Why the god-moding little..."
"But that no make sense" the Head Kason leader said.
"Agreed!" chimed in Eagrus and Cyba in unison. Unfortunately, with Jack Russel's meteorite incoming, they had to portal out back to the USS Voyager.
"When in time are we now?" inquired Eagrus.
"End of chapter one, after he commits mass genocide on the Kazon."
"Quite. And the Federation do not approve of that sort of thing."
"Yet here they are, giving him a heroes' welcome."
Cyba pointed a spare CAD (that Eagrus had given her) at Captain Janeway.
Captain Kathryn Janeway. Human female. Canonnoncanon OOC: 49.9999% Character rupture imminent!
Meanwhile, Jack Russel was making advances on Seven of Nine again, who resisted once more with a very gratifying: "NO."
"HA!" Cyba poked her tongue out at the 'Stu's back.
Seven of Nine. Liberated Borg/Human female. Canon. OOC: 15%... and holding.
"She might be part tech, but go her!"cheered Eagrus.
"Uh, Russel/Seska squick coming," warned Cyba.
"Really?" asked Eagrus, fishing something out of his backpack.
"Well, a bit after he gets back to his room."
"Shall we give him a little surprise?"
"What kind of surprise?"
"Your choice, but I have a nice selection of prickly plant material here..."
He opened the box he had pulled out of the backpack and showed Cyba what it was full of. She could make out holly, roses, teasels and brambles.
"Roses for the irony, teasels for good measure," decided Cyba.
Using a portal for a short-cut, they reached Jack Russel's room ahead of him and hid the aforementioned items in his bed.
Then they portalled outside, waited for the howl, then sped ahead to chapter 2, satisfied.