Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to CBS Paramount; oliphaunts, Eru and Lord of the Rings belong to the estate of JRR Tolkien; lightsabers and Star Wars belong to George Lucas; Left 4 Dead belongs to Valve Corporation; neuralysers and the Men in Black belong to Columbia Pictures; the concept of minis belongs to Miss Cam and the PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia.
The fic being sporked, 'Star Trek Voyager: Love and War', belongs to Jack Russel, and can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7726723/1/Star_Trek_Voyager_Love_and_War
For those brave/insane enough to read it, here is some Bleepolate to take away the shock.
Thank you to Firemagic and my readers on the Board for beta-ing this.
It was one night for Jack Russel, but moments for the agents. Soon enough, Jack Russel came out of his room, and right into the firing line.
All of a sudden, a paper aeroplane hit Jack Russel in the back as he started down the corridor. He picked it up, realising something was written on it. It read thus:
You want to know why 7 of 9 doesn't want you? It's because she obviously wants someone faithful and in possession of a smidgen of subtlety.
"Who threw that," he roared, but whoever it was had apparently gone, because he could see nobody when he looked. He also failed to see yet another forgotten question mark.
Hiding around the corner, Cyba snickered. She was already folding another paper-aeroplane, having written her answer. She waited until he had given up looking, sighted her target with her organic eye (the laser would have been a dead give-away, otherwise), then threw her little projectile. It hit the 'Stu right in the head. He whirled around, but the two agents had been quick to duck out of sight.
Glaring around at the empty corridor, the 'Stu gave up again and read the new note.
We are the PPC. You will be removed from this continuum. Resistance is futile.
Meanwhile, around the corner, Cyba was having a fit of silent hysterics. It was a while before she could speak again, but once she could, she told Eagrus what she had written.
"You wrote what?" It was his turn for hysterics.
"Sorry, but I just couldn't... resist!"
If anybody had come along that corridor at that moment, they would been greeted by the rather bizarre sight of a Borg and a Klingon, rolling on the floor, completely doubled up with laughter. Luckily, nobody came along the corridor.
"You know what I think we should do to him?" spoke Eagrus when he finally caught his breath.
"What?" asked Cyba eagerly, as they both hurried to keep up with the 'Stu.
"I think we should lock him in a room with Agent Lux. I'm sure even a relative newbie like you has heard the... stories."
"Muhaha!" cackled Cyba. "Actually... no, he'd probably enjoy that."
"Actually, yes... I suppose he would. Hmm."
"We could pinch his ship..."
"Well, I suppose it's only crewed by a couple of bit-girlfriends, but still: are you crazy?"
Cyba gave him a level look.
"All right, so that's given. It's just that - why would you want to steal his ship?"
"To annoy him, of course - and because it's such a silly ship. That and... I have this terrible urge to take it over."
Eagrus fixed her with a worried expression.
"What?" queried Cyba innocently. "I tell you, watching DoGA and DoSAT fight over it would be freaking hilarious."
Eagrus pondered it for a moment and came to the same conclusion. "Well, maybe later. Although... I agree it would be funny."
Meanwhile, they had finally arrived at their destination. Not too surprisingly, the 'Stu was bugging Seven of Nine again.
"Look, if you want to woo a girl, you have to understand what she likes," muttered Eagrus with exasperation. "This Jack Russel really doesn't. No wonder poor Seven isn't impressed."
"So what i do not care" 7 of 9 said. "I can fight and beet the borge" Capt Jack Russel said again. "No you carnt they we are to powerifull fo yo to fight." 7 of 9. "We sea bout that" Captin Jack Russel said back.
"Oh, I see why you're cross now, Cyba," said Eagrus cautiously. "I also don't see why Seven would appreciate that, either."
"At this point in time, I doubt she would approve. And I really don't approve."
"Did he just spell Borg with an 'e'?"
"Oui, it sounds Fronsh. ACK!" squawked Cyba, clutching her throat. "Why am I speaking with a Fronsh acsont? 'e 'as affectee mon voice-box!"
"It isn't even a good French accent! Cyba, this is really bad!"
"A petite acsont, c'est not going to stop moi! 'e est in for it extra!"
"if i defate the borg will you go out with gout with me 7 of 9" Capt Jack Russel said to 7 of 9 "No" say back.
"No wonder she doesn't want to go out with him if she'll end up with gout!" whispered Eagrus.
"Ah, phew," breathed Cyba. "Spelt properly at last, even if he forgot the capital. I might also add that we do not believe in fate, so 'de-fating' won't work."
"Wait a moment, did you just say 'we'?" spluttered Eagrus.
"I guess my tongue must have slipped," shrugged Cyba. "Accident."
So they took they ship thought the space until they made it to borg space. They than saw borg coming to wards them. "Surender we will assimulate you" The borg said but Capt Jack Russel loaded his experiment weepon and blew up a borg cube with one hit.
"Wards? What kind of wards? If they're wards against bad spelling, I want one!"
Cyba was standing against a wall, stunned with a pained expression on her face.
"Cyba, are you all right? Cyba?"
"They're pronouncing misspellings, Eagrus." Her voice was almost ragged. "He's making them pronounce misspellings and he's... he's one-hit-killing our ships!"
"There you go again with the first person plural, Cyba..."
"ACK! I can't help it! I feel... I feel... inordinately furious!" Her face was contorted into a snarl, and it really was not pretty.
"It's all right: we're going to fix this, remember," Eagrus consoled her. "Besides, they've run out of whatever they were doing the one-hitting with."
The Borg then suroonded them. "Were screwed, were screwed, were screwed" A guy said while running around like a mademan.
"See, he even capitalised their name for you," whispered Eagrus in what he hoped was a comforting manner.
"calm down man noones going to bee screwed to day" Capt Jack Russel said with brave.
"Except most of the women anywhere near you, 'Stu," Cyba added, calming slightly.
But Than borg whent onto the ship and stated assmilting pepole so Capt Jack Russel wet and stated fighting them but he didnt have any weepons so he used his bear hands.
The slight calm did not last.
"Assmilting? Assmilting?! MmmMMMmmMMmmph!"
Eagrus clamped his hand over Cyba's mouth and held her back until she stopped struggling, glad that Klingons could just about match the Borg for strength.
"Cyba, calm... calm..."
"The bottom of the pole holding your pea-plant will be melted. Resistance is futile," stated the Borg drones now all over the bridge.
Cyba started thrashing again, and it was all Eagrus could do to hold her back and prevent her from shouting - or worse, screaming. He was reaching the limits of his endurance when she suddenly relaxed, and that strange glazed look came over her face exactly the way it had earlier.
Apparently, in her rage, she had quite literally seen red.
"Cyba..." he murmured into her ear, and she started.
"Is it me, or do you get hypnotised by the colour red when it is anywhere other than on you?" After all, he had not noticed her chasing her own eye-laser yet.
"Er? What are you going on about?"
"You. Ever since that accident. First the flash-patches, then the captain's uniform, and just now - you go into a trance whenever you see the colour red!"
"I do not!"
"You do! And I have to keep snapping you out of it!" He also had to keep her talking, to make her miss the wet Jack Russel (presumably from the melted pea-pole) stating something about fighting back, growing the claws of a bear on his hands and defeating the Borg in melee.
"I don't believe you!" retorted Cyba.
At least the Borg have the 'Stu and canons distracted, thought Eagrus. "I wonder if he left his armoury on his ship... Maybe I will let Cyba take it over; I really want that lightsaber!
"Watch," said Eagrus aloud, and he snatched Cyba's flash-patch from her arm and waved it under her nose. The effect was much like a cat with a ball of string: her organic eye opened wide, her head following his every movement. Then she made to swipe it from his hand, whereupon he snatched it out of reach and pressed it back onto her arm.
"Oh," she said.
"Quite," stated Eagrus.
Cyba frowned. "You know, I suddenly have this terrible craving for peas," she said, licking her lips and eyeing up the pea-plant hungrily.
"Maybe when we get back, we'll see whether your body can process them," suggested Eagrus.
"Eagrus..." She had noticed Jack Russel again, but this time the result was not blind fury. "Eagrus, from your research into Star Trek, what would be your strategic assessment of the Borg's abilities?"
Eagrus did a double-take; that was the last question he had been expecting. Nevertheless, he did his best to answer it.
"Well, they're very strong, can see in the dark, survive in space, good endurance, regeneration, adaptive shields, tenacity..."
"And what would you say about Jack Russel's abilities?" she halted him.
Eagrus paused, realising what she was getting at.
"Is it me, or is he in denial about something, do you reckon?" Cyba was grinning very evilly.
"Well, he is a Gary Stu..." Eagrus began.
"Yes... and he has already proven more than capable of warping the Word World completely out of shape."
"Cyba, what are you suggesting?"
"Me? I'm suggesting a little experiment."
"Cyba, I already thought you'd decided against giving him to the..."
"Eagrus, we don't need to. Oh, the beautiful efficiency - he's doing a perfectly good job of it without their help. He just needs to believe it. His own abilities will work against him."
"Cyba, you do realise you're thinking just like them." He gestured to the drones still swarming the ship.
"Oh yeah - and I'm enjoying every moment of it."
"Remind me," murmured Eagrus with conviction, "never to mess with the Borg in front of you. Here was I thinking you were scared of them."
"Up close, perhaps, but from a distance they happen to be some of my favourite villains. That, and having the body of one tends to give you a new perspective."
"Eru, help us."
Eagrus' last sentence was directed at two things: first, Cyba's most recent statement, and second, the fact that the Borg Queen was now on the bridge.
"Flaming Denethor, what's she doing here?!" cried Eagrus, at which point Jack Russel returned from his little trip to the engine room and attacked. Before either agent had a chance to react, Seven had thrown the Queen out of an airlock. A moment later, Eagrus had to restrain Cyba again.
"We have to save her. We have to save her. We have to..."
Eagrus hauled Cyba into a corridor by her cable-hair before she attracted attention.
"Get off! She must be saved, she must be saved now! It is our duty!"
"Whose duty? You and the other drones?"
"ACK!" squawked Cyba.
"I think," said Eagrus, "that your faulty implants are still picking up some of their signals, and your mind is trying to make sense of them by translating them into emotions. I also can't imagine that having her around is helping."
"The Borg are OOC, Eagrus, and it hurts," Cyba moaned. "The spelling they're being forced to endure... does not match with their quest for perfection. Their actions... are up the creek. And I HAVE A FREAKING MIGRAINE!"
"The doctor said you might have limited ability to receive their signals," admitted Eagrus.
"You said he said I had nothing to worry about!" cried Cyba.
"He didn't want you worrying further," Eagrus explained.
"Doctors," muttered Cyba. "They're no better than psychologists. Hey, look at these!" She pointed to a pair of miniature dog-men, each a knee-high replica of Captain Jack Russel.
Eagrus made as strangled sound. "Mini-'Stus."
"What?" asked Cyba.
"He must have misspelled his own name," explained Eagrus.
Cyba scooped one up and it struggled furiously.
"Let go off mee, Borge!" it protested. "You wont assmilte mee! Ill killer you firt!"
"Now that isn't very nice," Cyba reprimanded it, and it paused, surprised. "Besides," continued Cyba, "I don't melt backsides; I can spell."
"Evil Borge!" it barked back.
"Shut it!" commanded Eagrus.
"Evil Kilngon!" it snarled.
"I said, shut it!" With that, he snatched up the other mini-'Stu and shoved it into his backpack. Cyba added the one she was carrying and Eagrus shut the muffled protestations away.
"Capt, Caprt and Captin Jack Russel," stated Eagrus, scanning the words. "Capt passes for a contraction, but the others are minis. We'll decide how to deal with them after finishing the big one. Oh no, is that Seven going into his room with him?"
"No, Seven, don't give in!" begged Cyba, scanning ahead frantically. "Oh no, wait a moment... he forgot the ship's still under attack! Looks like his bit-girlfriend is about to get in a spot of trouble."
"She doesn't deserve that," sighed Eagrus, reading ahead as well. "She's only a bit. Oh, and I knew I didn't like science."
BUT THAN Captin Jack Russel saw somthing BAD. The borg was putting science into his grilfreind Sertana and turing her into a borg.
"I guess that gets around his complete inability to spell the proper word for it," shrugged Cyba, followed by: "Oh blast it, that's freaking Alan Turing."
"Who? Where?" spluttered Eagrus, confused.
"The Borg drone assimilating her is Alan Turing! From World One! Historically, he was a key factor in the invention of computers."
"We'd better get them both to Medical," said Eagrus quickly, grabbing the remote activator and zapping up a portal around a corner where the 'Stu would not notice it. "Cyba, you blend into this scene - see if you can coax them over here, will you?" With that, he stuck his head through the portal and Cyba knew he was bellowing for assistance.
Taking a deep breath, Cyba stepped out into the corridor and helped the assimilated Turing carry the weakening Sertana, steering their direction all the while. Then, as they reached the right spot, she quickly slipped round and shoved them through the portal, as Eagrus ducked out of the way.
Jack Russel had not seen the portal, but he saw Cyba and started heading for her just as Torries and Seska came into the corridor and saw only him.
I'm in trouble, I'm in trouble, I'm in... thought Cyba. No, wait...hehehe!
"You are one of us, Jack Russel," she said, somehow managing to turn on the voice she had been stuck with earlier. "Have you noticed you have our powers?"
The dog-man began to bellow as he charged: "NOOOOOO!"
"You are the only one who can see this apparition. We are in your head, Jack Russel."
"Captain Jack Russel, wait! What are you charging at?" cried Seska. Jack Russel faltered and turned, giving Cyba the chance she needed to duck around the corner before the 'Stu could properly draw the canons' attention to her.
"There was a..." his eyes scanned the corridor, finding it empty.
"There's nothing there," said Torres.
Even as they rounded an intersection and headed back toward the bridge, Cyba and Eagrus knew the look on the 'Stu's face had to be a picture.
"If nothing else," laughed Eagrus, "you just scared the wits out of him."
When they got there, the bridge was swarming with more Borg, and Torres, Seska and Jack Russel had somehow beaten them there. Jack Russel was also looking rather pale, and the agents were pretty sure it was not entirely to do with the fact that 'Caprtin Janeway' (Eagrus caught the mini) was on screen, clearly assimilated and apparently the new Borg Queen.
"She what?!" hissed Cyba, snatching up the charge list. The charges were positively etched onto the clipboard due to her continued lack of command over her own strength.
"Charge. For. Usurping. The. Borg. Queen." Cyba ground her teeth. "Extra charge for thinking a blast and a bit of space will kill said previous Borg Queen. Even if it did her drones would just rebuild her a new body. The Queen is the manifestation of the hive mind, you idiot, organic, Gary Stu!"
"And you're starting to talk like her again," pointed out Eagrus, whereupon Cyba sunk into a fuming silence.
They all agreed on a plan. They killed the rest of the borg on the ship and then they sawed that the Borg cubed with Janeway onit was going away at super warp speed. So they followed it ultra warp speed.
"Voyager cannot go that fast," growled Cyba. "Unless this is supposed to be Jack Russel's ship? Or did he upgrade the engines while we weren't looking? Besides, it's transwarp, you..." She paused. "Did that just say Borg cubed? What's he doing now, raising the Borg to the power of three?" She stopped talking, suddenly aware that she was not the only one using her own voice.
"Um, Cyba..." began Eagrus carefully.
"What?" asked three, identical voices. As one, they went silent, then their owners cautiously looked around. "ACK! There are three of us! AAAAGH!"
"My oh my," chuckled Eagrus, "the PPC would appear to have its very own Collective of Three."
"Don't call us that!" snapped the trio of Cybas in unison. Then they exchanged glares and began berating each other for saying the same thing at the same time. Of course, the berating was in unison as well. Eventually, realising their berating was pointless, they stopped speaking.
"Right," spoke Eagrus, "I'm going to need some way of telling you apart. Which one of you is the real Cyba Zero?"
"I am," they all chorused in synchrony.
Eagrus face-palmed, then had an idea. Taking the flash-patch off the closest of the three, he waved the image of a red pen at them. It was, to be honest, not a very good idea, which would probably end up with all three of them chasing it - but he had noticed a slight variation in the colour of their eye-lasers. The foremost of the three still had a generic red one, but the others had electric blue and purple respectively, neither of which was the proper colour of a Borg eye-laser; then again, it was Suvian logic and misspelling that had done this to them, so inconsistencies were to be expected.
Interestingly enough, only the foremost Cyba reacted, and the other two simply glared flatly at him for trying such a low trick.
"Aha!" he exclaimed triumphantly, quickly replacing the flash-patch. "So you are the real one."
"We're real too," complained the other two together. "We're all Cyba Zero!"
"We're all individualists," pointed out the 'real' Cyba.
"Actually, that's true," agreed the others.
"That means we need to stop saying the same things!" decided the one with the blue laser, surprised that none of the others had also said it.
"I acted on it," stated purple, reading blue's mind.
"We need our own names," concluded blue, just as purple suggested that they go their separate ways upon their return to HQ. Eagrus could not help feeling sorry for the spares in that they might not exist once the canon was restored, but he said nothing. That would not be fair on them.
"Phi Six!" voted purple quickly, no doubt to annoy Eagrus.
Blue scowled. "Fine. I'll be Sigma One, then."
Satisfied, they all turned to Eagrus. "Now where's that Jack Russel?" they inquired with glee.
Eagrus had thought one evil grin was bad. Three were downright terrifying. Today was a bad day to be Captain Jack Russel.
Meanwhile, a mini, Buge, had appeared, and the dog-man was busy planning how to get aboard the ship they were chasing.
Capt. Jack Russel thinked for a while than he had an idea "I know" Captain Jack Russel said. "Put me in a pod and shoot me out of the torpedo tube. "THATS ISANE you will get your self killered" Seska said to Captain Jack Russel with worrie.
"Now tell us, how do you plan to get from the pod to the nearest airlock without a space-suit?" asked Phi.
"He's insane, remember?" piped up Sigma, and the three snickered.
"He's going to the ship, ladies," Eagrus reminded them. "Wasn't that where you wanted to jump him?"
"Oh yes..." the trio agreed, once again producing those very scary grins.
"Remote activator, please," added Cyba, and Eagrus handed it over. Cyba tapped in the coordinates and jabbed the activation button. The portal flashed into existence, wavered and died.
"What's wrong with it now?" asked Eagrus tiredly.
Cyba held up the RA; she had pushed her finger straight through it.
"Oh, wonderful," he said, splattering her with Sar-Plasm. "Well, we could wait for the spatial wrench, but once we remove the 'Stu, we'll be stuck - and I really don't relish the idea of waiting on a Borg ship until HQ sends a rescue party."
"We're not out of plot-hole technology, yet..." mused Phi.
Sigma put the Borg voice on: "'Lower your shields and surrender your ships'," she quoted, then cackled.
"That voice is creepy enough without your cackling!" Eagrus chided her. Of course, that only made Sigma cackle even more.
"In other words: she says we should nick Captain Russel's ship, then get the Borg to nick it off us," translated Phi.
"Then once we finish the Captain, we nick it back off the Borg and portal back to HQ with it!" grinned Cyba with glee.
"Why don't I like this plan?" wondered Eagrus rhetorically.
"Do you have a better one?" asked Sigma.
"Unfortunately, no," he admitted.
"Oh goody!" smiled Phi, rubbing her hands together. "Let's go commandeer us a ship!"
"Eru, help us," muttered Eagrus.
Seeing as the plot had conveniently forgotten about the 'Stu's ship, everybody was ignoring it and beaming on board was relatively easy. Convincing Eagrus to place his trust in a technological teleport was far more difficult, finally falling to Cyba, Sigma and Phi going anyway, and Eagrus following out of a sense of duty to protect them from their own crazy plan.
With the only even vaguely described character from the ship currently in Medical, and the 'Stu otherwise occupied, the Generic Girlfriends were practically inanimate and capturing the ship was stupidly easy. The agents simply rounded them up and shoved them onto a spare shuttle (all Generic-Sci-Fi ships have them, you know), ejecting them from the ship with the reasoning that they would simply assimilate into the canon - with a chance that it would not be in more ways than one. After all, it was not their fault they were in the thrall of a Gary Stu.
That done, the agents set about finding the controls to draw some attention to themselves. This was not hard, given that a crew of near-mindless bits and an idiotic Gary Stu had been able to fly it.
Phi hailed the Borg cube. "Good evening everybody!" she said cheerily. "This is a message to let you know that we are sitting here in this completely unshielded, highly advanced ship, just waiting to be..."
A heavy jolt racked the ship.
"I think they got the message," gulped Eagrus, grabbing the nearest railing for stability.
"Tractor beam's got us," stated Cyba.
"We are in so much trouble," muttered Eagrus.
"One question: have you worked out how you're going to deal with the 'Stu's godmoding combat prowess?" Eagrus was trying to take his mind off their destination.
"We're female," said the three Cybas. "His hormones will do the job for us."
"Oh dear..." groaned Eagrus.
"I wonder why they haven't beamed us off already?" Phi questioned aloud.
"The canon is protecting us, thank Eru," answered Eagrus.
A clunk marked the activation of the docking clamps.
"That's our cue," said Eagrus, moving into soldier mode once more. "Go go go!"
They exited via the airlock and were greeted by hot, humid air exactly like Cyba's bedroom. They emerged onto a walkway, high up on the edge of a vast internal space. Everything was black and green and mechanical-looking.
"Wow, look at that view!" stared Cyba.
"Epic," murmured Phi.
Sigma gave a low whistle. "I like this place."
"I don't," said Eagrus pointedly.
"Why on Earth not?" asked Phi.
"This is freaking awesome!" exclaimed Cyba.
"That's those signals talking," said Eagrus flatly. "As far as I'm, concerned, it's big, bad, full of tech, and crawling with a lot of members of a certain species I'd rather not meet."
"Species 8472? Where?" squawked the three women, suddenly alarmed.
"I meant the Borg." Eagrus rolled his eyes.
"That isn't very nice," said Phi.
"Actually, it does have Jack Russel on it," pointed out Sigma.
Eagrus put the camera back in his backpack. "There, I've got a picture of it. So, if you're done sightseeing now, ladies, we have a Gary Stu to hunt?" Eagrus reminded them.
"Oh yes. Let's get him!" decided the trio simultaneously. They slipped into some sort of super-cohesive mode as they focused completely on their task.
Phi checked the Words. "He's headed for the shield control."
"Let's intercept him at the assimilation chamber on the way," decided Cyba.
"Oh good..." smiled Sigma.
"Then I'll distract him, Sigma can get him from behind and Phi and Eagrus can watch the exits," Cyba instructed.
"This way," beckoned Phi, and the three strode off purposefully.
Eagrus did not want to know how they knew where everything was on this giant maze of a ship, but he suspected those signals again. Apprehension and paranoia mounting, he hurried after them, turning to watch everybody's backs at increasingly regular intervals.
As they went deeper into the labyrinth, more and more drones were visible, most of them regenerating in the alcoves that lined the walls, but several walking about to fulfil one function or another. If they were aware of the agents' passing, none of them acted on it. Nevertheless, Eagrus was getting ever more jumpy.
"Are we nearly there yet?" he pressed worriedly in Phi's ear.
"Close," she stated shortly, too intent on her task to say anything more.
"Here," pronounced Cyba about a minute later. "He's just about to come around that corner. Everybody pick an alcove and get ready to jump him." Cyba herself elected to wait in the corridor.
Eagrus chose the furthest empty one from the direction the 'Stu was coming, pressing himself as flat as he could to reduce the chance of Jack Russel noticing the rather unassimilated Klingon that he currently was. As he watched, Phi took one down a side passage, and Sigma set up camp beyond where Cyba was standing. He also kept surreptitiously glancing at the occupant of the alcove next to his, half-expecting a mechanical arm to start reaching round to get him at any moment. He was most certainly not comfortable standing here.
After what seemed like an age, Jack Russel came around the corner. He was still following the plot of his fic, but he was trailing a line of dog-hair as it gradually fell out, his skin was deathly white and there were definitely a few implants showing. He was also having trouble concentrating.
"Hello Jack Russel," Cyba greeted him.
"No! You! Get out of my head!"
"But you're my hero," she murmured, placing both hands on her chest and pretending to swoon like one his girlfriends. "Do, please, rescue me and take me back to your ship!"
Jack Russel blanched, confused, at which point Sigma took full advantage, stepped out of her alcove and grabbed him from behind.
"Gotcha!" she said in his ear with much satisfaction. He struggled, of course, but Phi and Cyba were soon on the case as well. It did not take them long to drag him down the side-corridor and get him restrained on an assimilation table.
"Right," said Phi, folding her arms and looking satisfied. Cyba and Sigma followed suit.
"Shut up and listen," ordered Sigma.
"Youre not gong to assimulate me?"
"Why?" asked Cyba incredulously. "You're doing a perfectly good job of that on your own!"
"Youre not acting lik Borg!"
The three women snorted.
"You know," said Eagrus, "I'm surprised you noticed."
"You already OOCed the Borg enough as it is," snarled Phi.
"We," hissed Sigma, "are the PPC."
"You wre the ons who threew that note!"
"Oh yeah," said Cyba with satisfaction. "Anyway, now we're going to charge you and remove you from this continuum." She drew a deep breath, then began to read the list:
"You are charged with: being a Gary Stu; god-moding; being a dog-man; having a woefully un-described default-sci-fi ship, capable of flying faster than pretty much anything else in the Trekverse; giving said ship weapons capable of one-hitting Borg cubes - how dare you; providing the USS Voyager with the same weapons; crewing your ship with your girlfriends; calling said girlfriends men; interdimensional snatching; assimilating Alan Turing; drinking and flying; attempting to sleep with more women than Captain Kirk; being totally lacking in subtlety; committing mass genocide of Kazon, apart from the ones you arrested - and put where, exactly? You are also charged with doing utterly ridiculous and impossible things just to look cool - most notably surfing a meteorite!"
"You do know that they're only called meteorites once they enter an atmosphere, right?" appended Phi Six. "No wait - Gary Stu."
"As well, you are charged with: having generally appalling grammar; misspelling an awful lot; spawning a lot of mini-Tribbles; causing spatial wrenches; missing punctuation - what is it with Suvians and punctuation, anyway? I also make a special note that you are charged with spelling the word 'assimilating' no fewer than FOUR different ways."
"Not to mention making the poor Borg melt the bottom of a pole with one of those misspellings!" chimed in Phi.
"For your information," hissed Sigma, "it's spelt A-S-S-I-M-I-L-A-T-I-N-G, and if you can't conjugate that, I know exactly who can teach you."
"Sigma..." warned Eagrus.
"You are additionally charged with raising the entire Borg Collective to the power of three," said Cyba.
"For which we are eternally grateful, because otherwise we wouldn't be here," mentioned Sigma and Phi in unison.
"And with giving me a FRENCH ACCENT!"
"You should really learn to spell, spell-check and use betas," pointed out Eagrus.
"You are also charged with being a 'legendry' hero; with making Kes and Seska faint..."
"Although I don't blame them after the very un-Trekverse language you made them use," snapped Phi.
"OMG," mocked Sigma, pulling a face.
"You are charged with spawning pears all over the place," continued Cyba, "with randomly coating various things in tar; with having Janeway USURP THE BORG QUEEN; WITH GETTING RID OF THE PROPER QUEEN FAR TOO EASILY; and with carrying an armoury's worth of weapons - most of them non-canonical - without being weighed down."
"Which brings us to the reason why you're now lying there with implants," stated Sigma evilly.
"Having caused your condition pretty much by yourself," added Phi, amused.
"Yes," agreed Cyba. "You are especially charged with having Borg-like abilities."
"I dont have Borg abiltees!" complained Jack Russel, demonstrating his poor grasp of English yet again.
"Says the man with superhuman strength, who can carry an entire armoury, who can beat Borg in unarmed combat, who didn't get hit by any of the armed Kazon in the numerous armies he took on singlehandedly - and survived being launched into space without any mention of a space-suit... TWICE," pointed out Phi.
"Although, you could really do with their desire for perfection," scoffed Sigma.
"Oh, and I append: REALLY, SERIOUSLY ANNOYING PPC AGENTS!" added Cyba.
"You are sentenced to execution, whereupon your Suvian essence will be banished from this continuum, back into the Void," finished Eagrus.
"Unless you would rather we left you here for your own bad logic to take its course..." offered Sigma sweetly.
"Nooo! Dont leeve mee!"
"That's settled then," stated Eagrus.
"Throw him in the recycling," decided Phi. "Let him become resources to be used by the hive he damaged so much - and yet was joining."
"Suvians have been fed to monsters before without the latter being poisoned, so it should be fine," commented Eagrus.
Sigma cuffed Jack Russel with her metal arm, and Phi carried the unconscious 'Stu to the nearest recycling chamber. Cyba was given the honour of taking his coat and casting him unceremoniously into the pool of ominous green liquid, where he sank from sight, presumably to be broken down into his component parts.
"Well, now that's done..." observed Eagrus.
The Word World shuddered as the canon resumed for the most part, the main anchor lost but still pending the removal of any remaining non-canonical influence. Sigma and Phi, being essentially as extra-canonical as Cyba, had remained and the three of them seemed very pleased with themselves.
A moment later, a shudder also ran through Cyba, Sigma and Phi, and together they turned and fixed Eagrus with three Disconcerting Borg Stares.
"Not funny!" he told them. "You know, I really don't like it when you do that stare."
They did not let up.
"That's enough! Stop it, all three of you!"
They carried on staring, now closing in on him. Worse, Eagrus knew a flanking manoeuvre when he saw one.
"Flaming Denethor!" He dodged backwards, drawing his Bat'Leth, but tried to keep his distance as much as possible. He did not really want to fight these three.
His mind ran through all the possible battle-scenarios; he was abruptly very glad he had followed the doctor's advice. He was also very aware of his back - while he could not allow himself to be backed into a corner, he did not want any more drones beaming in behind him. He had thought battles with swords and shields were bad enough, but teleporting just plain was not fair.
As for Cyba, Sigma and Phi, he suspected the sudden reversion to pure canon had raised the power of those signals they were picking up - enough for them to lose control of it. Yet the doctor had said it was not full reception, so they might still have a chance. He just had to snap them out of it. The influence was already proving stubborn, but there had to be a way, surely...
The idea hit him so hard he frantically checked behind, thinking the hive proper had finally noticed him. It had not, and he knew he had one chance: he needed something red.
He did not dare get close enough to snatch Cyba's flash-patch - any of the Cybas', for that matter - and his own was buried beneath his armour. None of the drones' lasers seemed to have affected Cyba, but there had to be something, surely. Why, the one time he needed something red, did he have to be on a black and green space-ship?
Maybe if he could get back to Russel's ship, and coax them into following him on board, he could find something there? Although, everything had been silver...
His back foot hit a step up, and he realised they had backed him into an alcove. He ducked out quickly, knowing he really needed a distraction. Something, anything to take their minds off whatever was pervading their subconscious. Even as he moved, Cyba lunged at him. He jumped aside, parrying with the flat of his blade, but the force of the blow spun him sideways and buried the end of his Bat'Leth in the nearest alcove. Eagrus winced, leaping away from the flash of electricity that engulfed it.
"Oooh!" went Sigma, then came to her senses as the systems repaired themselves and stopped sparking. "Huh? What? Phi! Cyba! Stop it! Stop!" She grabbed them by the shoulders and they shook themselves, horrified at what had nearly happened. "Don't give into it! It's stronger than before and we've got to get away fast!"
Cyba and Phi nodded, then the three of them hurried back in the direction of the ship, Eagrus in tow. A number of times they faltered, but now they were alerted to their situation, they could concentrate on fighting it with each other's help.
At last they reached Jack Russel's ship.
"Eagrus, you have to fly it!" cried the trio.
"WHAT!" cried Eagrus.
"Eagrus, you don't have the Borg invading your mind! You have to fly it!" yelled Cyba, Sigma and Phi in unison.
"I can't fly anything, let alone a space-ship!"
"Eagrus! If a drunk 'Stu can fly it you can!"
"GET US OUT OF HERE NOW!"
Eagrus swallowed, then took up position in the captain's chair.
"Dyou want a bevrige?" asked the ship's computer.
"Coffee! Give me coffee! I need it!" cried Eagrus desperately.
A cup of coffee appeared beside him and he downed it in one gulp - then promptly had a coughing fit.
"I said coffee, not coughee, blast it!" Nevertheless, once he recovered, it had the desired effect.
Grasping the controls firmly and with his mind accelerated, he threw the ship into full reverse thrust.
From outside, there came a terrible, grating screech as the docking clamps were torn free, followed by a massive crash as the rear of the ship hit something.
"Urgh," moaned someone behind Eagrus.
"Uh, Eagrus?" groaned one of the others. "They just noticed and... they... aren't... happy..."
A spike of fear ran through Eagrus. All that before was just passive signals? They weren't even trying to control Cyba, Sigma and Phi previously? Flaming Denethor!
He rammed the controls forward, searching for an exit.
"Gah. Put the shields up!" grunted one of the three.
"Shields activating," responded the computer, much to Eagrus' relief that he did not have to figure it out.
"Computer, prepare to jump to a position near the USS Voyager," commanded Eagrus. He hoped it had returned to where it should have been when canon had resumed.
"Negative. Jump reqwires opern space."
"Flaming Denethor!" He glanced at the trio behind him, all of whom had their heads in their hands and were putting every scrap of will into fighting what threatened to overcome them.
On what had to be the second or third lap pinballing around the interior of the Borg cube, Eagrus noticed the exit doors.
"Computer, do we have any weapons that might get through that?"
"One Generic Sci-Fi Space Weapon avilable," the computer informed him.
"Fire it, and for Eru's sake make it a good shot."
He pointed the front of the ship at the doors, thankful that it was indeed - relatively - easy to fly. The computer fired a blinding greenish flash, like something out of a cheesy old sci-fi movie filmed on a tight budget.
Eat cheese, you undead tech-monsters, he thought, clipping the edge of the bay doors on the way out.
"Computer, make the jump," he ordered.
"Addishnal distance required to prevent persoot," it replied.
He shoved the control sticks so far forward that they threatened to break, trying and failing to keep a straight course through the horrid black nothing that surrounded the ship. Thanks to his utterly atrocious piloting, his manoeuvres were probably more unpredictable than a skilled pilot trying to be erratic. Ironically enough, his being so bad at this was probably the deciding factor in avoiding the tractor beam now trying to lock onto them.
"Distance achieeved. Inishyeight jump?"
"YES!" yelled Eagrus.
A wormhole - or rather a plothole - opened in front of the ship , and Eagrus hung on for dear life. A jolt marked their arrival, and the sensors soon informed them that the plothole had collapsed before the Borg had managed to follow.
Eagrus breathed a sigh of relief, turned to the trio... and jumped out of his skin. They were all coming to, mere inches from his back.
"Er... that was close," commented Phi.
"Understatement of the century," gulped Eagrus.
"We're not completely out of their influence yet," warned Cyba. "The jump disrupted it, though."
"Oh, and you do realise that we're going to have to wipe their memories, Eagrus?" pointed out Phi sheepishly.
Eagrus, still buzzing from his caffeine intake, was quick to think of a solution: "Well, didn't somebody say something earlier about saving a queen?"
Compared to what had happened, getting on board Voyager and neuralysing the crew - including a very much human Janeway - was relatively easy. The Left 4 Dead characters were given a memory wipe and a lift to their home continuum, then Jack Russel's ship's computer recalled where the Borg Queen was floating through space, none-too-surprisingly having repaired her earlier damage. Eagrus managed to lay in wait with his neuralyser and flash it at her the moment she stepped in through the airlock. Eagrus had the ship open a plothole to a quiet patch of Borg space, through which he sent her majesty and promptly shut. He doubted it would take her drones long to pick her up, and with the residual effects of the neuralyser, they would not remember it either.
Cyba, Sigma and Phi's memories were left fuzzy as though from Bleeprin, but otherwise were unaffected.
"So, that leaves the issue of all these mini-Tribbles," said Eagrus.
"There's an OFU for this continuum, possibly two," answered Cyba. "They'll take them, otherwise the adoption centre in HQ might get overwhelmed. If the minis are anything like the larger version, they breed like rabbits. Besides, I'd rather put as much distance between us and Borg space as possible."
"I suppose that gets around this ship being a bit big for the average room in HQ," agreed Eagrus. "An OFU should have the equipment to portal us back. Now we just need to figure out the coordinates..."
That decided, they began the journey back to HQ.
Agent Zero's other note: if I, Phi Six or Sigma One catch anybody referring to us as 'The Collective of Three', we will collectively scream at that person.
Addendum: that includes you, Eagrus.
Addendum two: ESPECIALLY YOU, EAGRUS.
Addendum three: AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!